I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
