Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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