Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
