She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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