does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
