guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
