shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
