I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
