While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
