Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
