please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize