He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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