I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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