I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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