we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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