It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
