i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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