Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
