i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
