Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
