i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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