Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize