Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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