Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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