just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
