Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
