In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
