I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
