I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
