Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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