Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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