I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize