i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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