there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
