The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
