my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
