Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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