Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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