Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize