I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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