I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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