If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There's always time for handjobs
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
