i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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