finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
