i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
