you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
