I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
