in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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