Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
