Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
