Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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