someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
