Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
