In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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